"Now, how's he gonna read that magazine all rolled up like that...?" thought the spider.
Submitted by: giorgiss
In a small fishing village, a fisherman was walking up the wharf carrying two - at least three-pound live lobsters - one in each hand.
It was three weeks after the season closed! Whom should he meet at the end of the wharf but the Federal Fisheries Officer who, upon viewing the live and wiggling lobsters, says: "Well me Laddie I got you this time - with two live lobsters three weeks after the season closed!"
The fisherman says, "No - My Son you are wrong! These are two trained lobsters that I caught two weeks before the season ended."
The Fisheries Officer says, "Trained like how?"
"Well my son, each day I takes these two from my house down to the wharf and puts them in the water for a swim. While they swim I sits on the wharf and has me a smoke, or two. After about 15 minutes I whistles and up comes me two lobsters, and I takes them home!"
"Likely story", the Fisheries Officer says! "Let's take them on down the wharf and see if it's true."
So, the fisherman goes ahead of the Fisheries Officer to the end of the wharf where, under supervision, he gently lowers both lobsters into the water.
The fisherman sits on a wharf piling and lights up a smoke, then another! After about 15 minutes the Fisheries Officer says to the fisherman, "How about whistling?"
The fisherman says "What For?"
The Fisheries Officer says, " To call in the Lobsters"
The fisherman says, " What Lobsters?"Submitted by: giorgiss
What has four legs and one arm?
A Doberman in a playground.Submitted by: giorgiss
My kids want a dog but I've refused to get them a Labrador.
It's frightening how many Labrador owners you see that have gone blind.Submitted by: giorgiss
My dog jumped in the washing machine yesterday. Don't worry, at least he died in comfort.
Submitted by: giorgiss
Some yob attacked me down the local park tonight with a bat.
I was really impressed at how well he'd trained it.Submitted by: giorgiss
I saw a sign recently that said, "Dogs Die in Hot Cars."
This advice saved me 80 in vet bills when I had to get my Alsatian put down.Submitted by: giorgiss
"How depressing, it's so cold and grey," said the wife.
"Well, it is January," I replied... then I noticed the dead elephant lying in our front room.Submitted by: giorgiss
A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet.
"Can you have a look at him," he says, "I think he's cross-eyed".
So the vet picks up the dog and examines him.
"I'm going to have to put him down," says the vet.
"Why, just because he's cross eyed?"
"No," says the vet, "because he's heavy!"Submitted by: giorgiss
Dogs are tough.
I've been interrogating this one for hours and he still won't tell me who is a good boy.Submitted by: giorgiss
