Bill took his dog to the vet. "Doctor," he said sadly, "I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask you to cut off my dog's tail."
The vet stepped back, "Bill, why should I do such a terrible thing?"
Bill replied, "Because my mother-in-law's arriving tomorrow, and I don't want anything to make her think she is welcome."Submitted by: giorgiss
My ex-husband was buried today...
Finally, a hole he can actually fill.Submitted by: giorgiss
When I was a kid, my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.
Submitted by: giorgiss
Everyone was seated around the table as the food was being served. When little Johnny received his plate, he started eating straight away.
"Jonny, wait until we've said our prayer," his mother reminded him.
"I don't have to," the little boy replied.
"Of course you do," his mother insisted. "We say a prayer before eating at our house."
"That's at our house," Johnny explained, "but this is Grandma's house and she knows how to cook."Submitted by: giorgiss
"Mommy, Mommy! Can I go to the toilet?"
"Yes, Johnny, I'll take you in a minute..."
"Can Granny take me?"
"Why?"
"Her hand shakes."Submitted by: giorgiss
I always wanted to be a comedian as a child. My Dad told me I should practice in the bath, so I did. The bad thing is, he said the same thing to my brother. He was an electrician.
Submitted by: giorgiss
I saved my daughter from choking this morning.
I just fancied a handjob.Submitted by: giorgiss
I hate my Mum walking with me to school everyday,
Oh well, she'll be old enough to drive soon.Submitted by: giorgiss
Son: "Mom, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady."
Mom: "Well, you have done the right thing."
Son: "But mom, I was sitting on daddy's lap."Submitted by: giorgiss
I've recently been encouraging my sixteen year old daughter to find a job to help pay for her college education. Last week she came home with five applications and later that night I read them.
Under "previous employment", she listed, "babysitter".
Under "reason for leaving", she wrote, "they came home".Submitted by: giorgiss
