My teenage daughter slipped in the shower today.
She should be thankful I was there to catch her.Submitted by: giorgiss
I picked up a filthy little slag last night.
That's the last time my daughter uses me as a taxi service.Submitted by: giorgiss
I'm sure my daughter is going to grow up to be a slapper.
I took her to the dentists yesterday and he said, 'open wide.'
She said, 'I can't - there's arms on the chair.'Submitted by: giorgiss
When I was younger, I really wanted a skateboard but my parents couldn't afford one.
So one morning, I woke up early and went to the garage. I got some wood and some nails...
And beat my parents to death.
My foster parents bought me 5 skateboards.Submitted by: giorgiss
My mother-in-law said to me, "never put off till tomorrow what you can do today." So I killed her.
Submitted by: giorgiss
"Sit up straight at the dinner table!" said my wife to my son.
"Why?" he asked. "Dad doesn't."
"That's because he's spineless," she replied.
I really should say something but I don't want to cause a fuss.Submitted by: giorgiss
Three convicts were on their way to prison. They were each allowed to take one item with them to help them occupy their time while incarcerated.
On the bus, one turned to another and said, "So, what did you bring?" The second convict pulled out a box of oils and stated that he intended to paint anything he could. He wanted to become the 'John Constable of Jail'.
Then he asked the first, "What did you bring?" The first convict pulled out a deck of cards and grinned and said, "I brought cards. I can play poker, solitaire, gin, and any number of games."
The third convict was sitting quietly aside, grinning to himself. The other two took notice and asked, "Why are you so smug? What did you bring?" The guy pulled out a box of tampons and smiled, saying, "I brought these." The other two were puzzled and asked, "What on earth can you do with those?" He grinned, pointed to the box and said, "Well, according to the box, I can go horseback riding, swimming, skiing, roller-skating......"Submitted by: giorgiss
My dads in a coma.
He's living the dream.Submitted by: giorgiss
Welcome to the Family Planning Clinic; Please use the rear entrance
Submitted by: giorgiss
My father in law handed me a note on my wedding day saying, "Goods delivered are non-returnable."
I handed it back and said, "Contract void if seal is broken."Submitted by: giorgiss
