"Never dip your pen in the company ink son."
Cheers Dad, that little piece of advice got me the sack on my first day at the registry office.Submitted by: giorgiss
I said to my wife this morning, "I don't think we should have turkey for Christmas this year, I think it's too dry."
"I know what you mean," she replied. "If it starts to rain, then shall we have it?"Submitted by: giorgiss
My girlfriend said that I have an obsession with Jonathon ross I simply told her she was "wong"
Submitted by: giorgiss
I went out last night and when I entered the first establishment of the night I noticed right away a beautiful girl across the floor. And she was dressed up in a uniform, saucy. After waiting for a few minutes nervously I realised it was about time I approached her. So I walked across, smiled and said, "Hey."
She just blew her lid and screamed at me, "What is it with you guys?! Every night I get slimy little men like you walking up to me, asking me for this or that. I've had it up to here with it. Just leave me alone!"
"Blimey," I said. "I only came in for a Big Mac and Fries."Submitted by: giorgiss
Excitedly, I asked my dad if he could play T-rex for me. Smiling, he went to the cd player and started playing this 70's groove called 'Get it on' as he bopped up and down singing the words and gliding across the floor, as if he was some sort of rock god.
I don't think he noticed as I slipped back upstairs, clutching my cuddly dinosaur toy.Submitted by: giorgiss
I can't believe that Ken Barlow has admitted to sleeping with over 1000 women.
Poor Deirdre must be mortified.Submitted by: giorgiss
I went camping for the first time today and my mate asked me to build a camp fire.
So before lighting it, I painted all the firewood pink and arranged it to look like a limp wrist.Submitted by: giorgiss
My son came home in tears after school.
He said, "I got bullied today, the children stuck my head down a badger's hole."
"Right," I angrily replied, "Tell me where they live!"
He said, "They're on the school field."Submitted by: giorgiss
I saw an old lady who had dropped her purse. She tried so hard bending over to pick it up when she saw me and asked "excuse me young man, would you mind?"
Without hesitating I said "Of course", put my hands behind her head and forced her to bend all the way down.Submitted by: giorgiss
My brother lost his job last month. I texted him yesterday to ask what he wants for his birthday.
'Couple of bucks would certainly come in handy,' he replied.
Two quid it is, then.Submitted by: giorgiss
