I got talking to one of my friends and I was saying how my son has a lot in common with Billy Elliot...
"Has he started dancing?" My mate said
"No" I replied, "I used his dead mum's piano as firewood."Submitted by: giorgiss
I was walking down the high street today when a Jehovah's witness asked me if I'd thought of converting.
"Yes mate," I replied, "I think turning my attic into a fourth bedroom could raise the value of my house substantially."Submitted by: giorgiss
"Darling, promise you'd never cheat with me with another woman?" said the wife.
"Oh course not dear, I'm 100% sure of that!" I replied.
"You're such a sweetie!" she cooed. "How are you so certain?"
"Cos if I was with another woman, I'd never cheat on her with such an ugly fat cow like you."Submitted by: giorgiss
My mates little sister was telling me what she wanted for christmas, she stated that she wanted a facial at a spa.
I told her i would take her now, she was absoulted delighted. Then she asked 'what we doing at the spar shop?'
I said, 'come with me you'll see.'Submitted by: giorgiss
I arrived late to work in the kitchens earlier. I hung up my coat and put the herbs I'd bought on the table.
'What time do you call this?' the head chef asked, looking from me to the herbs.
'Well I've got common, lemon and golden.'Submitted by: giorgiss
I got on the bus today and said to the driver, "To the new go-kart track please."
"Return?" He said.
"I may do if it's any good."Submitted by: giorgiss
When my wife came in from the doctors she looked a little shaken.
"Everything alright?" I asked.
"I'm a bit worried about my doctor, he took my temperature in a weird place"
"Where?" I asked.
"The waiting room" she said.Submitted by: giorgiss
Malt whisky is 'a good investment', financial advisors say.
Nonsense. I invested in a truckload of the stuff years ago, and all I've got to show for it now is terminal cirrhosis.Submitted by: giorgiss
I don't know who this 'Jim' character is, or what he's done to offend everyone.
All my muscular friends keep ringing me up saying that they're going to hit him.Submitted by: giorgiss
My mates think it's great when I tell them my wife's a goer.
It's not though.
She always comes back.Submitted by: giorgiss
