The three most heart-warming words somebody can say to you:
Lack of evidence.Submitted by: giorgiss
Visibility wasn't good the other day, and I got pulled over by a traffic cop whilst doing 70mph.
He asked, "What would you do if Mr. Fog came down suddenly?"
"I would put Mr. Foot on Mr. Brake," I sarcastically replied.
"Let me start again," he sighed, "What would you do if mist or fog came down suddenly?"Submitted by: giorgiss
A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course.
One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer.
His friend says: "Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man."
The man then replies: "Yeah, well we were married 35 years."Submitted by: giorgiss
A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on strangers, which he was. When he finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen. He went back into the bar, handily flipped his gun into the air, caught it above his head without even looking and fired a shot into the ceiling.
"Which one of you sidewinders stole my horse?!?!?" he yelled with surprising forcefulness. No one answered. "Alright, I'm gonna have another beer, and if my horse ain't back outside by the time I finish, I'm gonna do what I dun in Texas! And I don't like to have to do what I dun in Texas!" Some of the locals shifted restlessly. The man, true to his word, had another beer, walked outside, and his horse has been returned to the post.
He saddled up and started to ride out of town. The bartender wandered out of the bar and asked, "Say partner, before you go... what happened in Texas?" The cowboy turned back and said, "I had to walk home."Submitted by: giorgiss
The Welsh mining industry looks set for a come-back......
Apparently they've found some copper in Snowdonia.Submitted by: giorgiss
I have a confession. For most of my childhood, I was under the impression that one of the most exciting, fun filled, action packed professions in the world was being a plumber. Now, that I've picked it as a career choice, I see the mistake I've made.
Thanks for ruining my life, Mario.Submitted by: giorgiss
BBC news: Met Police to help in Madeleine Hunt.
Nice to see their response time hasn't been affected by the cuts.Submitted by: giorgiss
Patient: Doctor, my wife thinks I'm crazy because I like sausages.
Psychiatrist: Nonsense! I like sausages too.
Patient: Good, you should come and see my collection, I've got hundreds of them.Submitted by: giorgiss
I got stopped by a copper last night. The officer said, "Do you have a police record?"
I said, "Yes, Walking on the Moon from 1979."Submitted by: giorgiss
The police have issued a photograph of a man they want in connection with a string of robberies in the South East.
What I don't understand is: why they didn't keep hold of him after they'd taken his photo?Submitted by: giorgiss
