We had some people round today, collecting for the old people's home.
I'm gonna miss me old Gran!Submitted by: giorgiss
My daughter accused me of being a bad father. I don't know how she can say that...
...she's hardly ever met me.Submitted by: giorgiss
What have Chlamydia and a cheating husband got in common?
My wife has both of them and doesn't know about it yet.Submitted by: giorgiss
A husband and wife are sitting round the table with their three daughters eating dinner when the oldest of the three asks her parents, "Why was I named Daisy?"
"Well," said her mother, "when you were born a daisy flew in threw the window and gently landed on your forehead so we thought it would be nice to name you after it."
The middle daughter then says, "So why am I called Rose?"
"Well," said her mother, "when you were born a rose flew in threw the window and gently landed on your forehead so we thought it would be nice to name you after it." The daughter smiles and continues to eat her dinner.
A few minutes later the youngest of the three says, "mnnnnnuugughhhh hhmmmmddssssssggggtuuuu tgnngnnnnammj!"
The mother says to her, "Oh shut up Brick!"Submitted by: giorgiss
My daughter has some flawless logic.
She said "The world can't end in 2012; I have a yoghurt that expires in 2013."Submitted by: giorgiss
When I was 15 my parents told me I was adopted.
And that I would be meeting my new parents that afternoon.Submitted by: giorgiss
I recently traced my family tree... It was easier, I'm rubbish at drawing.
Submitted by: giorgiss
MEN ARE JUST HAPPIER PEOPLE
NICKNAMES
If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah.
If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla and Four-eyes.
EATING OUT
When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in 20, even though it's only for 32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.
When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.
MONEY
A man will pay 2 for a 1 item he needs.
A woman will pay 1 for a 2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.
BATHROOMS
A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel .
The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.
ARGUMENTS
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
FUTURE
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
SUCCESS
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
MARRIAGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.
DRESSING UP
A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.
NATURAL
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
OFFSPRING
Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favourite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
A married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing.Submitted by: giorgiss
Ahhh memories. I remember my mother used to say "There's a train coming, there's a train coming" when she fed me. I used to gobble up the food.
Well if I didn't she wouldn't untie me from the tracks.Submitted by: giorgiss
I read somewhere that 37 is too old to still be living with your parents.
It was on a note, in my bedroom.Submitted by: giorgiss
