When I found out that my girlfriend was pregnant, I realised something was hideously wrong.
Mum told me she'd hit the menopause.Submitted by: giorgiss
Darling I said you remind me of a swan.
My wife replied, because of my beauty and grace?
No love because you're a bit of a fat bird.Submitted by: giorgiss
Had a lovely Mother's Day, took the old dear out for lunch, nipped to the seaside for an hour and stopped off for a cheeky sherry on the way home. Anyway, sun's going down now so time to get her back in the ground !
Submitted by: giorgiss
I have stopped going to watch Stockport County football club !!!!
Well they don't come and see me when I'm bad..............Submitted by: giorgiss
Every time I walk in front of the TV when Jeremy Kyle is on, my wife tells me to get out of the way or she'll kick me in the nuts.
I just ignore it as I don't pay any attention to idle threats.Submitted by: giorgiss
I said, "I've bought some of that white plastic garden furniture"
My mate said, "Bad idea mate. I've heard of loads of people getting seriously injured when the chairs break"
I said, "I know ... the mother-in-law is coming over for a barbecue this weekend"Submitted by: giorgiss
A blank screen a day keeps your mother away.
Submitted by: giorgiss
I was going to go on strike today, no recognition after years of hard work, the financial hardship and years of misery after retirement.
I suppose its my own fault though for getting MarriedSubmitted by: giorgiss
Mum: So, have you learned your lesson!
Me: Yes, so don't spend the next hour reiterating it please.Submitted by: giorgiss
"Sunshine came softly through my... Window today"
Luckily I was out. My whole family got vapourised.Submitted by: giorgiss
