I took a bird and her three year old son out for the day.
Her son kept moaning. She said, "Brandon doesn't usually behave like this, it's because his head's cold, do you mind nipping to the car and getting something to wrap round it?"
She looked mortified when I came back with a baseball bat.Submitted by: giorgiss
I was in the library noisily eating a kebab when the librarian said to me, "Shhhushhh."
I replied, "No it's Doner."Submitted by: giorgiss
My girlfriend told me she was seeing another man.
I told her to rub her eyes.Submitted by: giorgiss
Since suffering horrendous facial burns, my neighbour has been knitting non stop.
Despite my best intentions, she doesn't like the new nickname I've given her.
'Scarf ace'.Submitted by: giorgiss
My girlfriend was flicking through a magazine last night and spotted a really expensive engagement ring.
"That's what I want." she said.
So I cut it out and handed it to her.Submitted by: giorgiss
Saw a billboard poster that read, "Spot of blood on your brush? ... Could be gum disease."
How do they know it wasn't a curling match that turned nasty?Submitted by: giorgiss
I bought the wife a diamond ring today as a present, but instead of being happy, she started getting ethical with me.
"I hope a little African boy didn't spend 18 hours down a dark mine for this," she said.
"Don't be silly," I said, "He was a grown man and he got it out of the display cabinet."Submitted by: giorgiss
There was a man giving away free money in the subway this morning.
He was even playing the guitar for us all too.
What a great bloke.Submitted by: giorgiss
Paddy goes into a chemist's shop, reaches into his pocket and takes out a small bottle and a teaspoon. He pours some liquid onto the teaspoon and offers it to the chemist.
"Could you taste this, please?"
The chemist takes the teaspoon, puts it in his mouth, swills the liquid around and swallows it.
"Does it taste sweet?" says Paddy.
"No, not at all," says the chemist.
"Good," says Paddy. "The doctor told me to come here and get my urine tested for sugar."Submitted by: giorgiss
My mate said, "lets go out tonight and tear up the dance floor..."
Shows how out of touch with the times I am, I turned up with my jackhammer.Submitted by: giorgiss
