My wife said I show no sympathy for the children in slave labour.
"You should try putting yourself in their shoes!" She said.
So I went and bought a pair of trainers from Primark.Submitted by: giorgiss
I was in a lap dancing club at the weekend and was enjoying myself until this 15 stone fat chick came dancing on the table in front of me.
"Strong legs that, hey?" I said to the bloke next to me.
"Huh, she's fat," he replied.
"No mate, I meant the table," I said.Submitted by: giorgiss
I went into a DIY shop.
I said: "I'd like a mousetrap. Please be quick, I have a train to catch."
"I'm sorry, sir, we don't have any that big," he replied.Submitted by: giorgiss
I can't understand why people think capital punishment is too harsh, I was in London only this weekend and it wasn't THAT bad.
Submitted by: giorgiss
My seven year old son came down the stairs wearing a rucksack this morning.
"What are you doing?" I asked.
He said, "Running away."
"Running away, hey?" I laughed, "And where are you running to?"
"Errrrrrr.....Spain" he replied.
"Very nice" I said, "It's lovely there. Where in Spain are you going?"
He said, "I don't know, mummy didn't say."Submitted by: giorgiss
I signed up for this 'Kony 2012' campaign earlier today...
I can't wait to start kidnapping, raping and pillaging!Submitted by: giorgiss
I saw an advert: Dog for sale, eats anything, fond of children.
I may sue for false advertising, I bought it a week ago I can't get it to eat any kids.Submitted by: giorgiss
I was in the pub and asked my mate if he remembered the theme to 'Jaws'.
"Yeah." He said, "It's mostly about a big shark that eats people."Submitted by: giorgiss
BBC NEWS: Brave Laura Robson undone by super Maria Sharapova
I wished.Submitted by: giorgiss
I rang my solicitors up yesterday 'Murphy, Murphy, Murphy and Murphy'
I said to the man on the other end "Can I speak to Mr Murphy please?"
He said "Sorry, he's with another client at the moment"
So I asked "Please can I speak to Mr Murphy?"
To which he replied "I'm sorry he's just away from his desk at the moment"
Then I asked "Can I speak to Mr Murphy then?"
"I'm sorry he's just on the phone" he replied
I then asked "Please can I speak to Mr Murphy?"
He said "Speaking"Submitted by: giorgiss
