I've been put on the waiting list for a new kidney.
It's a very exclusive butchers.Submitted by: giorgiss
Susie is down on her luck with nothing but a fiver to her name, so she goes into the supermarket and buys two eggs and a bottle of ketchup. As she is leaving, she stumbles and drops the lot on the concrete path. With nothing to eat, she sits down on a bench and starts to cry. A drunk staggers along, looks at the mess on the ground and puts his arm around her.
"Don't cry, darlin'," he slurs, "it wouldn't have lived anyway. Its eyes are too close together."Submitted by: giorgiss
My wife said seeing as it's hot she wants a cool bath.
So I've put a rubber duck in it, how cool's that?Submitted by: giorgiss
I asked the chemist, "What's best for nasty insect bites?"
"Probably mosquitos," he replied.Submitted by: giorgiss
I was talking to a fat bird down the pub last night.
She said, "Would you call me a taxi?"
I said, "No, you're more like a 12 seater mini bus."Submitted by: giorgiss
just got kicked out of the Zoo! How was I supposed to know that "real" hippos don't actually eat marbles?
Submitted by: giorgiss
I saw a sign in the hospital that read 'Burn Victims'
I was gutted that I'd left my petrol can at home.Submitted by: giorgiss
I saw a fire alarm today with a notice that read:
'Push if you see fire or smoke'
I pushed it as I like the odd one when I have a drink.Submitted by: giorgiss
I ran a red light on my way home yesterday, and a policeman pulled me over. He said, "Have you been drinking, Sir?"
I replied, "Yes, loads of times. Great fun, isn't it?"Submitted by: giorgiss
My wife told me that she would like me to last longer in bed.
So I quit my job.Submitted by: giorgiss
