My wife just asked me to change our baby, so I cut off his arms and sewed on a beak.
Submitted by: giorgiss
Two hunters are out in the woods, when suddenly they see a beautiful naked woman bathing in a lake.
"What are you doing here?" she asked.
"We are looking for wild game." the hunters answered.
"Well I'm wild and I'm game!" she replied with a wink.
So the hunters shot her.Submitted by: giorgiss
I like to impress to women by showing off the newest technology. I'm always most confident with my foot on the pedal of a sleek new machine.
Unfortunately, most of them have seen that type of bin before.Submitted by: giorgiss
BBC News: 'Brazilian gang-fighting judge shot dead'.
Should've chosen a less dangerous pastime.Submitted by: giorgiss
I said to my wife, "I'm tired of looking in this mirror and seeing my big beer belly, so I'm going to do something about it."
She replied, "Excellent idea. You're going to start working out at the gym then?"
"Don't be silly. I'm buying a shorter mirror."Submitted by: giorgiss
I took my car to the garage today.
"It looks like your belt is knackered mate"
"Really?" I said "how do you know?"
"Your trousers are on the floor."Submitted by: giorgiss
I burst into the lounge last night and said to the wife, "Guess what babe? I've got us two tickets to the Canaries'!"
"Oh my God!" she shrieked. "How long for? One week? Two weeks?"
"No, 90 minutes." I said. "Unless it goes to extra time."Submitted by: giorgiss
My wife said she's leaving me because of my unhealthy obsession with plants. I said where's this stemming from petal?
Submitted by: giorgiss
"Just before my wife died, I bought the lovely new Porsche she told me to buy."
"Was that her last wish?"
"Yes, it was. When I mentioned it, I clearly remember her saying it was the last thing she wanted."Submitted by: giorgiss
One of my employees came into my office today. He insisted he'd quit if he wasn't treated with more respect.
"Come on, we both know you'll never walk out of this job", I laughed.
"Just watch me then!" he yelled.
As he turned around in his wheelchair, I gathered he'd misunderstood my point.Submitted by: giorgiss
