My pregnant wife just phoned from the hospital to say she'd lost the baby.
I told her to check down the back of the settee.Submitted by: giorgiss
My dyslexic mate just rang and told me there's been a death at an Army Warehouse somewhere in London.
Submitted by: giorgiss
I saw a leaflet that said, 'Smoke free in 30 days.'
That sounds like a good deal, I'm sick of paying for them.Submitted by: giorgiss
I was stood in the train station this morning when a girl slipped onto the lines and got her foot stuck. "Help!" She screamed. "I don't want to die this way!"
So I ran over and slit her throat.Submitted by: giorgiss
"It doesn't mean anything, honey! 'Oh God' is something all women shout in bed!"
Joseph was not convinced.Submitted by: giorgiss
I met a lady at the bus stop, "So then, getting the bus?" I asked.
"Well, what does it look like?" she said angrily.
I replied, "Emm, it's a big blue and white thing with loads of people on it!"Submitted by: giorgiss
I got in a load of trouble at the farm with my German boss recently.
Turned out he wanted me to order 30 sows and pigs, not 30,000 pigs.Submitted by: giorgiss
"Doctor, my wife has severe pain in her appendix!"
"Nonsense!" says the doctor. "I removed her appendix three years ago. Not a single person in the world has a second appendix."
"That may well be true, but some people have second wives."Submitted by: giorgiss
My pretentious new girlfriend took me down to her film club last night.
I think I was a little out of my depth.
They were all juxtaposition this and narrative that and how they adore the use of subtext.
Then I was asked, "And do you have a favourite indie film?"
"Err, Temple of Doom?"Submitted by: giorgiss
The barman said to me, "Good evening, Sir, what can I get for you?"
"I'll have a shot of everything on the top row please", I replied.
He got my drinks and tried to charge me 100.
I said, "I thought you were getting them."Submitted by: giorgiss
