I got a phone call last night to say that my wife had been in an accident.
I rushed to the hospital and asked the nurse, "How is she, can I see her?"
She said, "I'm afraid you're too late."
I said, "Okay, no worries; I'll come back in the morning."Submitted by: giorgiss
"I want to be a millionaire. Just like my dad!"
"Wow, your dad's a millionaire?"
"No, but he always wanted to be."Submitted by: giorgiss
I saw my ex pushing a baby down the street today.
We stopped, she nodded at the pushchair and said, "It's yours."
I said, "Oh my God... really?"
She said, "Yeah, really."
So I picked up the baby, threw it on the floor and walked away with my new set of wheels.Submitted by: giorgiss
I keep seeing Facebook statuses like '8 - 2? Are you serious?'
The answer's 6, it's not that difficultSubmitted by: giorgiss
A guy at work asked, "Do you watch the Apprentice?"
I said, "Thank god, I'm not the only one, I actually found myself sneaking in to watch her on the toilet last week."
I'm off down the job centre in the morning.Submitted by: giorgiss
If I had a pound for every time someone told me that I don't understand common sayings then I would have quite a few stone.
Submitted by: giorgiss
According to the news, some scientists are saying that the severe UK winter weather is actuallythebuildup to another ice age.
Personally I thought theyd run out of idea's for sequels by now, I mean how many more situations can that rat thing get itself into while chasing an acorn?Submitted by: giorgiss
My mate said, "It's me and the wife's tenth anniversary next weekend. I thought we could go somewhere really nice together."
"Sounds good to me, mate. What are you going to tell your wife though?"Submitted by: giorgiss
My boss rang me this morning.
"You've got a meeting in five minutes," he said. "We need you to make this. Where are you?"
I said, "On the way to my car as we speak."
"Right," he said. "Do you think you'll make it?"
I said, "Probably, it's only a few feet away."Submitted by: giorgiss
I looked out of our window today and said to the wife...
"It's like rush hour outside"
"What, lots of traffic?" She replied
"No, there's a black and Chinese guy running down the road in pursuit of a criminal."Submitted by: giorgiss
