I took my new puppy for his first shots today, but the poor thing threw up everywhere.
Probably should have started him on something weaker than Sambuca.Submitted by: giorgiss
On a train.
"Are you travelling to Manchester?"
"Yes."
"And what are you planning to do there?"
"Get off the train."Submitted by: giorgiss
I walked into a cobblers and asked "Do you repair shoes?"
"Yes." said the cobbler.
"Good," I replied, handing him a shoe, "Can you find the other one for this please?"Submitted by: giorgiss
I just drove past a sign that said "Watch for blind children".
That is very cruel. What next, headphones for deaf kids?Submitted by: giorgiss
I was lying on the couch watching TV earlier, when my 10 year old boy came up to me and said, "Dad! I really want to do the father-son sports day at school tomorrow."
I laughed at him and said, "Aww Matthew that's so sweet. But you don't have a son."Submitted by: giorgiss
I was doing a crossword today and I said to my wife, "Six letters...another word for a broad road in a town or city? I still haven't got it!"
"Avenue?" she said
"No," I said, "I haven't, stop rubbing it in."Submitted by: giorgiss
So it's fine for some moron to bellow nonsensically from the roof of a mosque at 6 in the morning ...
... but a couple of barely audible cries and moans from my attic and the police are called.Submitted by: giorgiss
A young guy turns up at a hotel reception:
"I'd like a single room, please."
"Certainly, sir," says the receptionist. "With bath or shower?"
The guy is a bit short of cash, so he asks, "What's the difference?"
"You have to stand in the shower," says the receptionist.Submitted by: giorgiss
I said to my mate, "Bet you can't guess how much I won at the bookies yesterday?"
He chuckled, "Go on then, put me out of my misery."
So I shot his wife.Submitted by: giorgiss
I was out having a nice Italian meal last night with my long term girlfriend, when all of a sudden, I got out of my chair,and slowly got down on one knee.
"Oh my god" my girlfriend shrieked, "Let me just get my phone out so I can video this and show my mum and sister and remember the moment for the rest of my life" she gushed.
"Sure thing" I replied.
"But I'm sure they have seen people tie their shoelaces before"Submitted by: giorgiss
