A young woman goes into the butcher's shop with her baby:
"My scales have broken down. Do you think you could weigh my baby for me?"
The butcher takes the baby into a side room and returns after a while with a plastic bag:
"3545 grams ... without bones."Submitted by: giorgiss
The text from my daughter read "OMG Dad, you have no idea how wet I am!"
My response was "Now you've said that I bet you've no idea how hard I am ;)"
She replied "It's raining... "Submitted by: giorgiss
I was outside the school, eating a Twix, when I said to a small group of girls
"Anyone fancy a finger?"
And that your honour, is why it was consensual.Submitted by: giorgiss
I've spent all afternoon getting ready for a house party.
I'm going as Hugh Laurie.Submitted by: giorgiss
A workmate of mine recently got divorced and I've noticed he gets upset every time he sees the family picture I've got on my desk.
I think he misses them.Submitted by: giorgiss
The wife knew I had today off and texted,
'Darling, can you do us a favour and bring some washing in for me?'
Boy is she going to be pleased..
I've been round all the neighbours and she must have 30 bags full to do.Submitted by: giorgiss
My next door neighbour told me to stop following her around everywhere or she'd call the police.
"You wouldn't do that, would you?" I asked.
"Watch me," she replied.
"No. You said you'd call the police."Submitted by: giorgiss
We were walking down the street when a hooded youth popped up from nowhere, grabbed my wife and put a knife to her throat.
He looked at me and said, "Give me all your money or she gets it!"
I replied, "She already has all my money."Submitted by: giorgiss
I got angry, threw my Nokia phone at a wall and watched as it smashed into a million pieces.
The phone's fine though.Submitted by: giorgiss
The car park I was in today had a sign which said "You will be charged after 2 hours".
"How kind," I thought as I parked my electric car.Submitted by: giorgiss
