"An eye for an eye turns the world blind."
Look on the bright side, everyone gets a dog.Submitted by: giorgiss
I took a bird and her baby for a picnic on a cliff.
I was trying to slip my hand in her knickers when she stopped me and said, "No, not until the baby drops off."
So I kicked him over the edge.
The look on her face suggested that's not what she meant.Submitted by: giorgiss
A friend of mine recently told me that he was "in the closet" until the was 23.
That must have been the longest game of hide and seek in history.Submitted by: giorgiss
My son asked me today, "Dad, what music did you like growing up?"
"Led Zeppelin," I replied.
"Who?" he said.
"Yeah, I liked them too."Submitted by: giorgiss
Last year my wife was furious that I missed her birthday, and insisted that in future I should plan at least two months in advance.
Well it's her birthday in 8 weeks time, and I'm pleased to say I've already bought her her present.
She's going to love these flowers.Submitted by: giorgiss
I said to my wife last night, "I fancy a takeaway."
She said, "Are you talking Chinese?"
I said, "No, did it sound Chinese?"Submitted by: giorgiss
I was at the hospital today when the doctor said, "Mr Smith, your wife is comfortable."
"I thought she was in a coma and in critical condition," I said bemused.
"She is," he replied, "but she's so fat, me and the other doctors use her like a beanbag."Submitted by: giorgiss
There's a sign at the local pub that says 'Watch Football Live Here'
So how come after a match I get kicked out when I bring down my blanket and mattressSubmitted by: giorgiss
A little girl opens the door to find a priest with a collection tin.
"What can I do for you, Father?"
"I'm collecting for the orphanage."
"Just a moment," says the little girl, closing the door.
The priest waits patiently, then suddenly hears first one gunshot, then another. The little girl returns to the door and says:
"OK, you can take me now."Submitted by: giorgiss
A dying granny tells her granddaughter, "I want to leave you my farm. That includes the villa, the tractor and other equipment, the farmhouse and 22,398,750.78 in cash."
The granddaughter, about to be rich, says, "Oh my, granny, you are so generous. I didn't even know you had a farm. Where is it?"
With her last breath, her granny whispered, "Facebook....."Submitted by: giorgiss
